This is the opening chapter of my award winning memoir. Yeah!

It’s best if you turn your phone sideways to read this. You could do that with your laptop. I don’t recommend it. #youdoyou

All of the events you are about to read are true.

In some ways, I wish they weren’t. You’ll see what I mean. #fairwarning

Like what you’re reading?

Fill out the form below to download the full memoir instantly!

Sorry. I’m yelling.

My entire family suffers from extreme hypertension. Shocker, I know.

Just want to make sure you snap it up before someone publishes me and takes it off of this site.

Namaste, bitches.

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